People Layers
Who are the people who fill up your life?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about feeling overwhelmed, and a quick way to decipher what is overwhelming you is to look at your people, places, and things. Today I want to delve deeper into the people of your life.
Here are some questions to consider as you begin to name “your people.”
Who are the people who need or use the most amount of your time and energy?
Who do you live with?
Who do you work with?
Who do you seek out to spend time with?
How do you support these different people?
What is the level of expectation of you in relation to these people?
I found it helpful to have examples, so I will answer these questions in relation to my life.
Who do I live with?
I live with my husband and our middle school son. My husband is a worker bee, so most of the “child responsibilities” fall to me, like making lunch, following up on schoolwork, and communicating with teachers. I choose to be the lead in this way. This takes a large amount of my emotional and thinking space. But I am okay with that. But on days when I am overwhelmed by this, it is important to remind myself that this is a strength for me and my family.
Who do I work with?
In my day job, I work at a school. I work with two or three other teachers in a Special Education Classroom. I was an Elementary school teacher many years ago, but in the last few months, I have identified that I enjoy supporting others and am content not to be the lead person. Especially because of my role in my family. I lead there in many ways, at work, I want to be helpful and supportive, but not carry the responsibility of being the final say in challenging situations. The people in this environment are the other teachers and the students in the class. Currently, that is a total of 11 people.
Who do I work with? In my evening job, I mentor women who want harmony over hustle in their time, work, or lives. I set aside three to four hours a week to work with these clients. The majority of these clients come from the online Bible Study that meets on the 2nd and 4th Monday night of each month.
When I am not working or tending to home or family, whom else do I seek out to spend time with?
Friends. I have several friends with whom we get together once a month and don’t communicate much in between times. Another friend who lives far away I Marco Polo with every morning. A local friend I try to interact with every week, whether that is through texting or meeting for coffee. The Bible Study friends I try to text or interact with each week. In any given week, I would say my friend capacity is between 5-10 women. I also have a thread of friends from my Master’s Program that I interact with via text and Zoom calls. My friends matter a great deal to me. They encourage me and give me energy.
Before we moved to Kansas City, extended family was a large category of people. Both my family and my husband's family lived locally, and we made an effort to spend time together a few times a month. But now those relationships have shifted to occasional phone calls and texts, as it is challenging to keep up with people when you are not physically in their lives on a regular basis.
Priority List
For me, I prioritize my people in this order (I literally have a list of them listed this way).
Tim - husband
Ben - son
Bible Study women
Mentor Clients
Work - lead teacher
Work - other teachers and students
Friends - daily engagement
Friends - local
Friends - far away
Extended Family - far away
Other friends - local and far away
Disclaimer:
Over the years, I have had people get really twisted up about this list. Let me say, it is not a list set in stone; it is a framework. Most weeks, everyone on the list receives a lot of engagement. However, on a week when I am sick or an unusually stressful situation has occurred, this is when the list comes into play. You and I only have so much time and energy to give and use each day. So if you try this, please hold it loosely; it is not a binding document. Additionally, each of us experiences stress differently, and various types of stress affect us in distinct ways. I am really clear on what stress does to me and how my body responds. This list is one way to analyze the stress when my body is telling me I am overwhelmed.
Knowing the level of engagement and effort you want and need to give to each person helps you anticipate the week ahead or helps you stand in the puddle of overwhelm and see where the overwhelm came from. Sometimes overwhelm comes on quickly, and it is what it is. But other times, you can trace it back to the first domino. The Lazy Genius has a great episode about naming the first domino in a problem. So often we think the problem is “this” when, in actuality,